Setting healthy boundaries is necessary for maintaing a positive self concept. It protects us from being harmed by others who want to manipulate and shows we have self respect. It is hard sometimes to make the decision that this situation or relationship is no longer healthy for me. Some relationships or situations you are able to let go off easily. They may be the relationship you would only see by choice because you do not run into them on a daily basis. Others are more difficult to set boundaries since you see them in different circles more often than you would like. Being aware is one of the first steps or signs that you know change needs to happen. Following through what you believe needs to happen requires you to be Brave or have courage.
Ask yourself these questions:
1. Am I allowing this person or relationship to define me?
2. Do you feel bad or guilty when you say no?
3. Are you quiet when you need to speak up?
4. Are you giving more for the sake of giving to please this person?
5. Are you going against personal beliefs for the sake of pleasing them?
If you find yourself saying yes to these questions then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. By all means I am not the expert but I have learned through my own mistakes and experience. Sometimes we are the ones who are not healthy for that person. We become the one who is manipulating without knowing that we are harming them. It is hard one to swallow.
Which brings me to the point of realizing you need to act from a place of love and not fear. I say that with much conviction. For some relationships all it takes is a conversation or two to help them see what you have experienced. Be very careful to not go into "cut off" mode which sometimes is easy to do when we feel threaten or harmed. Please understand I am not talking about abuse here. I am referring to the norm here. We can harm someone or be harmed with words or actions without abuse being involved. We need to remember at times in our life we have been on both ends. Whether you want to admit or not. It is the truth. For that reason alone when we remember that and come from a place of love we are able to see and act more clearly.
Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you want to continue the relationship?
2. Do you believe a conversation or two would solve the issue?
3. Is the person going through a difficult time? (does not excuse but helps understand)
4. How much time have you invested in this relationship and how much have they invested?
Taking time to reflect on those questions may bring you to your truth about that relationship. Again I am not the expert nor do I have all the processes in place to be able to make a complete picture for you. This is just what I have experienced and what has helped me. This is just a starting point or stepping stone.
Above all pray about it.
Seek God's wisdom.
He knows all!
Today's Brave is asking yourself, do you need to set any boundaries in your life? and following through with what you believe God has revealed to you.
Very intriguing questions. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis entire post offers much relational wisdom. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAs an abuse survivor, I find my natural response is to please others. You've provided a great list of concrete questions to ask to help me in overcoming this issue.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had read this a year ago. I've been into an unhealthy friendship for 10 years. I used to excuse my friend many times, but she took it all for granted. My forgiveness, my silence when she snapped at me, my politeness to not snap back at her, my availability, my friendship, and so on and so forth... It's over now, but it was hard to let go. :)
ReplyDeleteExcellent advice! I'm forever grateful that I'd read the book on boundaries BEFORE my husband experienced a catastrophic illness. It was hard setting boundaries with some family members (and I wasn't able to establish them with all of the people that I should have because I was too stressed out), but it was pivotal in making sure that my husband was protected from necessary stress during his illness.
ReplyDelete